20 May 2005

Hello

Some background: I am 24 years old. I live in Brixton in London. Its nice, but a little dangerous (just the other week there was a spectacular shooting). I grew up in the suburbs in a place called Camberley: very dull, full of drugs, full of greyness.

I moved to London when I was 18 and was a lost lamb. I had no friends. I decided to take on the world by drinking heavily and lurching about throwing up all over the city. By my early twenties I was a committed alcaholic, a incredible drug abuser, and a lonely fish. I had no one - and was full of resentment, envy, desperation, and supressed anger.

All my life I had felt pathetically alone. I thought this 'feeling' would emerge into some sort of artistic lifestyle. It was cool to feel on the 'outside'. I had friends and intense - do or die - relationships. But mostly, I felt weird, afraid, and very rubbish. I read poetry and wondered around London looking for answers. I found women, more drugs, more drink, and more depression. Its a terrible cycle to be on: drinking to solve a problem, and then drink becoming the problem.

I always worked during this period - often suffering two extremes: that of the sweating workaholic; other times as chilled out as a seasoned surfer. There was never any balance: I cared about everything, but didnt care about anything if that makes sense.

I got into the rave scene at a young age and took lots of E. For anyone who thinks this is a good thing, I wish them well but am only just willing to fork out the taxes to enable them to rebuild their life when it all goes pear shaped. I stopped taking E, stopped drinking, went to AA...and then disintergrated mentally, spiritually, and physically I was very fat. Thank God for the NHS and AA - both are equally beautiful.

Going to AA was a small decision for me, that has turned into a massive monster. I thought it was all about just stopping drinking (which, amongst other things, it is) - now I have a totally different way of interpretating the world and my fellows. I have direction, I have a sense of reality and a sense of "myself". The changes are dramatic, soul shaking, eye opening. AA has been the hardest but the most worthwhile thing that has happened to me.

So, we race to this day. I am at work. I wanted to start this blog to chart my ongoing recovery from alcaholisim and obsessive compulsive disorder. I do it for my benefit, but would love it if some got any a) help or b) entertainment from it. The road will be rocky. People in AA may find it especially helpful as I intend to write what is working for me in recovery (and what is not).

Today I feel as if I am in love with the whole world - everyone in it, everything in it. I dont know why, I just feel like that sometimes. I am sure it will pass.

Anyway, until tomorrow - God bless, heads up, and enjoy what ever weather your in.

20 May 2005

Hello

Some background: I am 24 years old. I live in Brixton in London. Its nice, but a little dangerous (just the other week there was a spectacular shooting). I grew up in the suburbs in a place called Camberley: very dull, full of drugs, full of greyness.

I moved to London when I was 18 and was a lost lamb. I had no friends. I decided to take on the world by drinking heavily and lurching about throwing up all over the city. By my early twenties I was a committed alcaholic, a incredible drug abuser, and a lonely fish. I had no one - and was full of resentment, envy, desperation, and supressed anger.

All my life I had felt pathetically alone. I thought this 'feeling' would emerge into some sort of artistic lifestyle. It was cool to feel on the 'outside'. I had friends and intense - do or die - relationships. But mostly, I felt weird, afraid, and very rubbish. I read poetry and wondered around London looking for answers. I found women, more drugs, more drink, and more depression. Its a terrible cycle to be on: drinking to solve a problem, and then drink becoming the problem.

I always worked during this period - often suffering two extremes: that of the sweating workaholic; other times as chilled out as a seasoned surfer. There was never any balance: I cared about everything, but didnt care about anything if that makes sense.

I got into the rave scene at a young age and took lots of E. For anyone who thinks this is a good thing, I wish them well but am only just willing to fork out the taxes to enable them to rebuild their life when it all goes pear shaped. I stopped taking E, stopped drinking, went to AA...and then disintergrated mentally, spiritually, and physically I was very fat. Thank God for the NHS and AA - both are equally beautiful.

Going to AA was a small decision for me, that has turned into a massive monster. I thought it was all about just stopping drinking (which, amongst other things, it is) - now I have a totally different way of interpretating the world and my fellows. I have direction, I have a sense of reality and a sense of "myself". The changes are dramatic, soul shaking, eye opening. AA has been the hardest but the most worthwhile thing that has happened to me.

So, we race to this day. I am at work. I wanted to start this blog to chart my ongoing recovery from alcaholisim and obsessive compulsive disorder. I do it for my benefit, but would love it if some got any a) help or b) entertainment from it. The road will be rocky. People in AA may find it especially helpful as I intend to write what is working for me in recovery (and what is not).

Today I feel as if I am in love with the whole world - everyone in it, everything in it. I dont know why, I just feel like that sometimes. I am sure it will pass.

Anyway, until tomorrow - God bless, heads up, and enjoy what ever weather your in.